I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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