i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
ok first of all what the fuck
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
