Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
