so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
