my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Randomize
