Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
