I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
we're making bets on your personal life
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
