Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
