T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
