how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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