i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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