i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
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