I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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