Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
