I am spending my child support on dildos
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
