this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
