I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
