We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
