I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
