Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
