Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
