Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
