I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
