u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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