So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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