The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Randomize
