have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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