did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
