why didn't you poke me back
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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