just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
