just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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