its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
organizing the empties. That sober.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
