Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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