I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
