i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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