I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Ketchup is God's man juice
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
