How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
