Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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