why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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