Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
