I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
