upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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