every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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