My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
there is another microwave in the elevator.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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