Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
