The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
