so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
