chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
