Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
