Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
