Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
